Friday, 10 July 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Her Story (8.7)

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420 Character Reviews: Her Story (8.7)

Let’s take a trip back in time with this fantastic FMV videogame! I did not expect much from Her Story, but wow. You play as an investigator who is trying to piece together the tale told by this woman who is accused of murder. As she reveals her story, you pay attention to her body movements, her tone, and her words. It’s terrifying how she says some things with the calmness and apathy of killer. but is she guilty?

I am a hip-hop snob. This is a burden I've carried for many years. I try not to be so critical of popular music now, but I just want everyone to know that I listen to your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper’s favorite rapper. Sometimes I like to sit and think about the type of video games that would complement each rap group's style. For example, A Tribe Called Quest would have a game where Q-tip must drive around Southern California in a journey to find his wallet. The real question is what type of game would harness the ultra-aggressive and depressive energy that is Jedi Mind Tricks.

Where the Wild Things Are is a children’s book whose message is lost in those too young to understand it, a lot like psychedelics. Maurice Sendak used a simple narrative and memorable illustrations to make the public aware of the power found in imagination. On a more immature level, it taught you to say “Let the wild rumpus start!” before inhaling a bowl of marijuana or before coitus, ruining the mood of the latter. Maurice Sendak might have been called to travel outside of our realm but his works continue to motivate freethinkers around the globe in all languages.

420 Character Reviews: Remnants of Isolation (8.2)

You should not to judge a book by its cover but you should always judge a videogame by its title. I played this game solely on the name and found that Remnants of Isolation is a good RPG with an even better narrative. There is actually a bit too much emphasis on the story but it is still a nice little experience while its short length does not allow the characters to truly develop. The music is spot on with the settings and the battle system is impressive. Truth be told, it's not a game for anyone who lacks a soul.

Quitting a job you hate is one of the most liberating acts you can do for yourself. My brother was a middle school music teacher until the day he used an expletive to tell a girl to be quiet. Yes, STFU. Later that day he told me the moment he signed his resignation papers will be ranked as the moment he was reborn. It doesn't work for everybody -- chances are low you'll find freedom in cursing at school-aged children but maybe you should try to alter your life before the boiling point. If you do quit your job today, congratulations. Don't hold me responsible for your irresponsible decision. I'm just a guy on the internet with a brother who has a loose tongue.

420 Character Reviews: Yoshi's Wolly World (7.4)

If your grandma decided to give up bingo and create video games instead, she would produce Yoshi's Woolly World. It is inevitable to subconsciously compare Yoshi's' world to Little Big Planet, but the former is a lot more pedestrian. There is a lot of fun found while looking for hidden items and the game is also a buffet of colors for the eyes yet it lacks any challenge; even the bosses pose no real threat. That's about it, get this title if you absolutely love Yoshi or if you have some 4 year old to distract.

We are pretty edgy, or so we think. The truth is we will never be as cool as the animators that existed during the 1930s. My Saturday mornings were made up of microwaved corndogs and 1930s ComiColor animation, I just didn't realize it was actually a gateway into the minds of grown men who loved drugs and art. Think about it, could you think of a place made entirely of balloons and have a pin cushion villain with a protruding phallus? Not without some 'extracurricular' help.

420 Character Reviews: Dead Synchronicity (8.9)

There is no great change in depth with this Batman game. He is a troubled hero whose darkside is explored while fighting crime in memory of his murdered parents. You are not here for story, though, you are here to break a countless number of bones while still not killing your victims. Arkham Knight does a good job of feeding that thirst while also giving you the freedom to soar all over Gotham. This a good game with great graphics and stylish combat but it leaves you wanting more from the story of Batman.

The 'Just Say No' campaign of the early 90s collapsed when Bethesda hit the gaming scene with Elder Scrolls. After that, it was simply impossible to say no. Bethesda was your dealer and Elder Scrolls was the crystallized crack rocks inside a little plastic baggie -- and you've used everything from PC-DOS to PlayStation 4 to smoke it in.

You must really consider the fact that the state of our technology would have never gotten past the embryonic stage had it not been for small contributions to innovation. Everyone gets so happy when a game comes out with new DLC content for their favorite games but do you ever wonder what were the early stages of DLC gaming history? I don't, because I have better things to do than to devote my entire life to the detailed history of video games.

Monday, 22 June 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Sunless Sea (9.4)

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420 Character Reviews: Sunless Sea (9.4)

A game set in a Victorian Gothic era in Fallen London should be enough to get you to buy it. The title Sunless Sea almost lets you know everything this game is about--discovery and vast loneliness. I am going to be straightforward with you, buy this game for the writing. Seriously, it is a collection of words that you will feel it long after the game has presented you with your conclusion. Just like in real voyages, cannibalism is a very real thing in Sunless Sea. This is exploration at its most terrifying.

Fear can manifests itself in many ways. Are you a perfectionist? Do you sit and wait for things to reach the perfect pitch in order for you to act? This is a presence of fear disguised in the form your need to have everything be perfected. Are you indecisive or procrastinate? Yes, this too is a presence of fear. These are all things that are holding you back from taking action towards something or someone you wish to have, but the reality is that no action yields no results.

420 Character Reviews: Dead Synchronicity (8.9)

Will the apocalypse devour time? Created by a few people from Spain, Dead Synchronicity is a point and click game that utilizes a simple scheme and turns it grand. The protagonist exists is a dystopian environment with compelling characters and a brutal tale. Grimy colors and settings give life to a vibrant game that requires you to solve puzzles that are not always logical; it is depression illustrated on your screen. Buy this immediately and witness how unyielding and impure humanity can be.

Since we did it for Microsoft's E3 media briefing, we obviously feel obligated to do this feature for Sony PlayStation's media reveal at E3. A lot things were thrown your way, and we've condensed all the interesting things down to a handy top ten list.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Porcunipine (9.2)

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420 Character Reviews: Broken Age: Act 2 (8.2)

Play as psychotic balding porcupines who are placed in a four player competitive arena with the goal to obliterate each other. The characters have only one quill that can be fired in the direction of other rodents, but the catch is that is all you have is that one said quill. Careful with your shots as they can rebound and penetrate your own skull. This is a great game to play with your friends and build resentment. The amount of blood that splatters adds to the humorous nature of this ridiculous game.

This article was originally created for Microsoft's E3 briefing stream, but now that it's over with, we've repurposed this as a top ten list of the most amazing things that came out of today's press conference. We're just so damn resourceful over here.

FIFA is corrupt. So corrupt that EA decided to add it to their EA FIFA franchise, you just didn't realize it was in there. My mind is still traumatized by a match that I was winning between Barcelona and Real Madrid 3-0 at the 75-minute mark. Suddenly the opposing team starts getting referee calls in their favor and make miraculous goals. I sat in disbelief as CR7 celebrated his fourth goal at the end of extra time, they came back to win 4-3. This was the moment that I choose to go back to an old friend named Pro Evolution Soccer.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Broken Age: Act 2 (8.2)

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420 Character Reviews: Broken Age: Act 2 (8.2)

Vella and Shay come back to continue the splendid story of Broken Age: Act 1. While the length of the game is longer, the puzzles are too; getting a bit tedious. Backtracking through puzzles takes up loads of time. This does nothing to take away from the fantastic narrative and the gorgeous visuals. It is obvious that the creators of this title see the world and creativeness through lenses we could only dream about. Propel your own creativity by going through the trek of opulence with Broken Age.

They call the genre 'couch multiplayer,' which beats 'anxiously stand up and pace multiplayer' by a long shot. Sombrero: Spaghetti Western Mayhem is the game, and you're fortunate to be alive this month because it's officially The Stoned Gamer's Free Indie Game of the Month.

Monday, 08 June 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Not A Hero (8.6)

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420 Character Reviews: Not A Hero (8.6)

We have all wasted money on our next-gen consoles. Not A Hero shows that you do not need fancy graphics to make an entertaining game. You’ve been hired by a rabbit from the future, who wants to win a mayoral election, to assassinate those he needs dead. He tells you that it is to save the future from its corruptness. This is all the motivation you need. You violently murder dozens of people through a game laced with blood and crude humor. Fill the streets with body fluid; just remember that you are Not A Hero.

420 Character Reviews: Wolfenstein: The Old Blood (8.4)

How many god-damned nazis are there in this world? A lot, and you will enjoy murdering the lot of them. The Old Blood does not require your cerebral capabilities, just your tendency for bloodlust. This title truly feels like a Tarantino film with the ridiculous amount of weapons and enemies. The FPS design is modern, stylish, and will keep you glued to your controller. The enemies are smart; they have big dogs with armor making them more fun to kill. This game is linear but it is still gloriously fun.

Tuesday, 02 June 2015 00:00

420 Character Reviews: Hatred (8.8)

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420 Character Reviews: Hatred (8.8)

Life has treated you badly and instead of improving your situation you decide to murder as many people as possible. It turns out to be incredibly fun. Hatred has been controversial because it trashes any complex plot line; you are here to kill. Parents will certainly gasp when they find that in order to get health you must execute someone. This is not a game for those easily offended but if you can leave your morality at the door then you will surely find yourself gushing at the carnage you accumulate.

420 Character Reviews: Three Fourths Home (9.3)

You play as Kelly, a girl who just moved back in with her family. Kelly’s family have struggles that come to surface as she drives home through a Nebraskan road. Three Fourths Home is the type of game lets you pick the type of relationship you have with your family which gives it high replayability. For instance, at the start you get to choose if your father is a humble amateur farmer or a lazy drunk who cares little for you. I can't shake the feeling that this is the game Ernest Hemingway would have made.

420 Character Reviews: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt (10.0)

Usually the words violence and elegance are not found together to describe one thing. Yet this is exactly what Witcher 3 is. The game’s open world is astounding and the gameplay is crisp and fluid. Personal conflicts will push you so far in the vortex of Witcher 3 that you will probably obtain all sorts of vitamin deficiencies from staying in your gaming area too long. Try not to ignore the sun but honestly Witcher 3 is better than anything out there anyway. Now go craft some potions.

This is a topical story considering that tomorrow, a 9.8 earthquake is predicted to hit California and rip it apart from the United States of America.

The Stoned Gamer has been after Caviar Gold longer than the gaming industry has been demanding a remake of Ninja Gaiden -- and that's a pretty damn long time.

The only thing I fought in the 80s was my right to buy the SNES version of Mortal Kombat instead of Sega's. Sure the Genesis version had the blood, but the graphics were like playing an arcade port extracted from a potato. The colors were murky, the movement was labored at best, and you only had three buttons to use in a game that originally had four buttons. That was my fight -- my only goal was to spread the word as to why the SNES version of Mortal Kombat was superior. That was my adversity as a child. First world problems.

I spent most of this morning ferociously clicking Wikipedia links in order to determine what role (if any) Nietzsche had in the Nazi party. I'm sure your Thursday morning was the same. We all have those days -- you dive on the internet in order to find where a coffee shop is located and within an hour you're crafting an aluminum helmet to protect yourself from Anunnaki mind control. However we all know it's senseless. Especially when your society is controlled by inter-dimensional shape shifting reptilian aliens that have been manipulating you since you were born. It's a lot to take in. Oh, and if you're on Tinder, don't talk about inter-dimensional shape shifting reptilian aliens on your profile. It will most likely be the last thing they read before they swipe left. This is from experience.

If you want to feel old, talk about virtual reality to millennials and reference Lawnmower Man. You will never hear such a deafening silence. The lack of follow-up conversation will make your ears bleed. Blood will literally leak out of your head, and it will all be attributed to people not having a clue as to what Lawmower Man is or was.

The greatest thing about dating an Austrian is getting stoned and telling them how insane they were during the entire World War II debacle. She always insists that she was born in the 90s, so by default she had nothing to do with it -- but we all know the truth. If DNA are building blocks of humanity, then my girlfriend is composed (in part) of Nazi building blocks. I notice the small things, like when she reaches for a box of cereal on the shelf with her right hand. Sometimes when we're walking on the beach she tends to step a little higher than usual, which is troubling. She also corrects me when I make a typo in my texts to her; that undoubtedly makes her a grammar Nazi -- and that's close enough.

After having a conversation about smoking weed with a very attractive Swedish dancer in my kitchen -- I realized that I haven't actually smoked weed today. It was a complete oversight, I apologize. In fact there's no place in this universe for me to write about a game without being stoned on The Stoned Gamer. An injustice to humankind, and every other animal species out there that depends on me to be stoned. My life has been met with complete disappoint. I'm ending it all. The paragraph. I'm ending the paragraph and going to the next one.

Before we go on with Lemma, I feel a certain obligation to explain non-determinism since I've had two strong cups of coffee in the middle of the day and my fingers need to be occupied until I calm down.

Judging by the traffic, a potpourri of people were intrigued by Nathanael Weiss's 'Songbringer,' a game we proclaimed is the lovechild of Zelda and Star Wars having passionate sex one evening off the coast of Italy.

Friday, 08 May 2015 00:00

The Top 10 Uncomfortably Weird Mods For GTA V

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This article was written on a Frankenstein laptop that was surgically assembled from pieces of other laptops that were once dead. It took me three trips to Frys Electronics, but I finally did it this week at 3:55 am on Thursday. Saying all of that is also a horrible way to pick up chicks on Tinder. In fact it's probably the absolute worst way. All of this is based on months of unsuccessful Tinder use. If Tinder success was measured by how unsuccessful a person is, then I would be some wise grandmaster living on a hill somewhere in Ireland.